14
2005 I had packed up and left the father of my oldest child. I mean I left him a 100 x before,
which usually involved me just going to my parents in Ahousat for the weekend
but this time was different.
I had this amazing job with (cough, cough) Government of Canada
where I was traveling to different nations throughout the island
to gather info on how services can be improved
(really Melody? What even ever happened to all that info gathered?)
Anyways, left the baby daddy and got my own place. I was feeling confident & ready for new!
Of course, until he showed up, which he always had. It didn't matter where I went
or how many times I ran or changed my number, he always came looking.
So then I thought instead of running, hiding, changing my number I'd face what always came, him.
We'd separated maybe a month, ok it really did feel like an eternity then
but as usual, he showed up at our front door.
Apparently looking for his salt shaker that I took when I packed up the entire house.
Well shit, salt shaker my ass,
he stood there at the door with his
pathetic,
lost,
lonely,
sorry,
sad,
poor me,
please take me back
I"ll do anything look.
It was my birthday weekend in November in Nanaimo in our new home
(which was really nice but in the hello ghetto - me scared)
it was that type of cold that begged for cozy so cozy came in for his salt shaker
and along came this very unplanned little being.
The little being that journeyed from my birth to his.
With all the birth control odds against him he came along when
I was clearly touching the finish line with his older brother who was 14.5 years old then.
I felt freedom, for real seeing that finish line! Ok, like there even is a finish line but still!
The race started all over, from the very beginning. In all honesty, I wasn't ready to race again,
but his father though was on cloud nine, runner's on & ready to marathon!
He had begged me for years to have another & couldn't care less about how I felt about this unplanned gift.
After all, according to him to him, he was just 'using' me to have his baby.
I could go back to work, travel and come and go as I pleased he swore, he was going to stay home and raise this one this time.
Though Evan never got to know his father & is at an age where he almost seems to resent him
(I"m blame hormones/puberty/cooped up)
so though people might mean well by thinking they are complimenting him about his father,
he's at a place in his life where he simply does not want to be like his father period.
It can be a lot of pressure to feel like you have to live up to a father you never knew,
like people somehow expect you to be just like your dad.
An all-star super athlete, which happens to be neither of our sons.
So instead of assuming everyone had a relationship or a cozy loving relationship with their father,
I try my best to not put that pressure on these men who are working through some very uncozy, valid feelings.
Even if my heart wants to still share how much I see him in them,
so maybe I secretly share with you here instead.
Evan had one birthday with his son and he went all out.
He stayed true to his word and did everything for this wish upon on a star that came true (this baby).
He baked up a storm & was so proud to have all the family over.
He went shopping and picked up some super tacky clothes for his son's first birthday.
When Evan was born he was born with acid reflux and cried all the time.
Often dad would wake up for those regular 3 am bathes with baby that seemed to calm.
But never in a million years would I ever have imagined the storms that would come after those moments of calm.
And after that first and last celebration.
Birthdays were never quite the same after that, no matter how many times we tried to celebrate,
no matter how many gifts there were, it always still felt empty.
As time went on and as we grew,
celebrating without presents became the new norm.
We created new ways of celebrating and invited
(more like demanded Melody be honest)
we invited others to join in our newness
which was, gifts can be given so long as they were gifts of experience.
cause we like our bareness.
So our new gift,
our new gifting was going to the Cultus Lake Waterslides.
No gifts, just presence.
Like really Melody? Instead of a $20 gift, let's just invite families to the mainland for a $700 weekend!
OK, but really in my defence, we all normally went to the slides / PNE before such invites
and plus there are many gifts of experience such as surfing,
skiing, lessons, carving, harvesting,
time, teaching and the list goes on and on
but it had to be an experience!
(I suppose there are worse things than receiving gifts that one won't use or need but hello earth)
Anyways! Who was always up for adventures and experiences though?!
Auntie Joyce and her family! Every year right now we would up and go last minute,
on our annual camping adventures!
We never planned but we always knew it was around Evan's birthday
We somehow without a plan
coordinated work schedules
to magically make it all happen and happen every year it did!
Until this year of course,
it's once again been those familiar empty feelings,
oh hello, grief, our old friend.
We never even missed you.
Evan misses his late auntie,
they way she called him,
like a song she sang, 🎶 Baby Evan 🎵
He'd been so scared to go to sleep
because every time he closed his eyes,
he would hear her.
Teary-eyed, I would tell him,
Awwww, close your eyes so you can see and hear her,
that's where she lives now... inside of you.
Don't be scared to let her sing you to sleep.
Cause when you see and hear here there,
you won't want to wake up here.
xo
He'd been super sensitive this year about his birthday, not wanting to camp,
not wanting to talk about his plans or wishes.
I knew this was grief. Grieving for what once was and if I'm being honest,
he was grieving for something he's never had, a normal life,
a normal birthday & wanting to be like everyone else.
Well, talk about a super shitty time for this weirdo mother to try to offer anything normal now.
There has been nothing normal about his life. He was born in a flame, a fire burnt within him (acid reflux)
& after the loss of his father which was right after his birth, it only added fuel to our flames,
we naturally felt drawn to the ocean to tame the fires that now burnt in both of us.
Yet somehow the spark that he was born with has kept me warm for years.
When he was younger and I would be working half the night in my office and
come in to find him in my bed (when he was to be in his own), he would be half asleep hearing me enter,
mumbling while moving over from one end to another of my bed,
"I warmed up your side for you mom"
Sighs, how's anyone to kick that warmth out?
When warmth wraps you in so many little gifts.
Those little gifts that money couldn't ever buy.
Those little gifts that have always started with,
"Close your eyes mom"
Since he was two.
Whether they be tiny or big feathers,
spruce tips,
flowers
or special rocks
I appreciate all those closed eyes surprises to this very day.
In his own way, he has looked after his momma.
From the toddler days of kissing my tears away.
To the teen days of today & trying not to look after me anymore.
For years and years, he had so much compassion
Then one day, when he was still small he'd had enough of grief.
Mom, enough crying now, be a big girl he demanded.
Giggles, though most days & nights he tries not to be a care taker of the big girl.
(because hello teenager's tearing apart who've they've been and wondered who they even are, which is def not their parents)
Because one day you're just a kid who loves needing a parent a lot!
Then next thing you know
Another day at some point in your childhood,
you and your friends went outside to play together for the last time and nobody ever even knew!
Then what? Who ever even knew who?
But in many ways Evan knew, he felt it & I saw it.
I witnessed them slowly disappear from one another.
One day, one year, you're all the same and all that matters is having fun & being a kid.
Then another day, another year everything and everyone has changed.
There are new ways to have fun that seem to bury old pains.
But burying old pains digs up new bonds.
and it was extremely painful to see them slowly break the bonds they'd built all their little lives.
Each headed down their own path.
No longer walking, running, or playing the same games.
Evan held onto Max like a brother from another mother.
They definitely walked the same path & played the same games together, he was the longest friend.
They'd laugh and laugh,
the kind of laugh that had zero sound,
the kind of laugh that only belonged to that one friend.
That kind of laugh that was high on life.
But for every high, there's a low.
and as his mother, I've witnessed my son dive in the deep lows.
While everyone else be getting high.
he works through the lonely lows as a teenager
wondering and waiting if there are any youth left who still like to get high on life.
But regardless of what self-medicating choices
other's make for themselves
(cause reality is we're all self - medicating with something)
I always remind him,
we don't know people's stories & it isn't our place to judge.
We don't know what people are trying to numb out & escape from.
But he does know the trauma that's been handed down for generations (thanks Canada)
He does know that sexual abuse is in all communities and most families (Residential school still teaching today)
He does know the importance of breaking these cycles & the terrifying stats that are stacked against him.
But he also knows where it comes from too
He knows the dark sides of this country & what it tries to hide, bury, and continue to take from us.
He does know that if he ever harms a woman that she will remember it the rest of her life & that secrets are never safe.
He's been taught that no one is safe, especially family & friends as most victims know their abusers very well.
He does know how much is riding on him to not only protect women
but to honor them and to honor them,
he must honor himself.
He's also been educated about healthy sexuality because
it's my belief that if more parents had these uncomfortable discussions about sex, the good, bad and ugly
that maybe there might be less of the bad and ugly?
Sex is not dirty. Sex is sacred. After all, it's why we're all here.
So he's been taught to honor the feminine in him & all around him
because most men who be running *ruining* this planet
& running around the world (womanizing, chasing women after women)
are really men running from themselves & using women to fill an empty gap within themSELF.
Those men are imbalanced because they have forgotten that they have come from a woman.
It's forgotten this planet is the mother, the ultimate life-giver that needs us all to take care of her.
But most men, whether in power or lacking power,
are denying that they're wounded and imbalanced because that is what society sells
& tells them to be.
To be strong.
So he's been taught to stay soft.
He's been taught that soft is the new strong.
He's been taught to treat every woman like his mother, sister, aunt, grandmother.
Even though he's been taught all that,
when I look at him
it reminds me too to stay true to who I am too
because we all know,
it doesn't matter what we say,
it matters what we do & how we do it
So being his only parent
I best continue living what I be preaching.
Because truth is, when I'm not practicing what I preach, he calls me out
and just loves to shove me into my shadow (work) because that's the kind of relationship we have.
Even if we're sometimes more like siblings ratting each other out.
But he is in relationships. Very serious ones.
With food.
Since he could walk it's been his responsibility to put the fish into jars.
To get his tiny hands full of blood, scales, and guts.
To be gentle & patient with the fish because food carries energy.
And as he got older and held more energy than his momma, he who apparently did not like doing fish anymore
took it on as his responsibility to drag his momma out of bed
for the 4 am smokehouse checks when she had run out of smoke n steam.
MOM!! Upsqweeee, the alarm! The fish! Get up! Let's go!!
(So bossy! I'd never boss my mom like that. I"d be softer, giggles)
He's in relationship with nature, though it's one he's in complete denial over.
Always pouting, complaining & mumbling how he's tired of being forced into all these relationships!
Ahem, only for him to be thankful in the end.
He's in a relationship with language. Again even if he says he's been forced into it his whole life (he's so dramatic)
Even though he chooses to learn it a lot on his own, especially when I'm not around.
I'd like to think that it has nothing to do with all the chumus in those classes.
But then again, he's an old soul
Drawn to other old souls.
Drawn to the safe elders who've accepted and embraced him into their lives. (Nana, Rosie, Marge, Jack, Suckeeya)
I mean, let's face it
What other 14 year old sets his alarm on his birthday to wake up extra early to run over and visit elders?
What other 14 year old has a wish of not ever doing alcohol or drugs
just like their great grandfather?
Just like their dad's friend, What's his name again mom?
Paul Frank Jr.
Yah, just like them.
What other 14 year old isn't on social media
Isn't on a cell phone for the summer (both by choice and not)
Gives up their limited weekend Nintendo game time for the summer &
Insists their mother gives up their game time too (social media).
(Yah that's not fair, he only gets game time on weekends for a limited time and hello I need social media for my business)
Sounds like an unfair sibling excuse?
Still this kid
Rather this young man.
Is truly something else.
He's got his head in the clouds.
He's always soaring way up & lifting me along the way.
Holding me accountable to it all
especially to the $40 he swears I stole from him when he was 9
& to all the times I promised we'd go visiting,
only to end up getting all carried away
writing like I am now till wee hours in the morn.
But he's human like us all & wanted you all to know
that he isn't just all smoked fish and sunshine.
He has deep dark shadows too.
He said, "Mom you can't just share all the good.
I don't want people to think I am something I am not."
Ok, Evan, I will tell them you are a little shit, or rather a big shit
who sometimes talks back and is lazy at home but helpful everywhere else.
Ok, that sounds good mom.
Gotta keep it real.
14 years of reality with him.
xo
]]>
To all the little boys inside hurt men, so many of you protecting & projecting your wounds.
Packing them around like shields of armour & prizes you won.
Prepared to battle a in war that was meant to take it all from you before you ever won anything.
A war that started with the government's intention to kill the Indian and save the man.
Your grandfather’s being the Indian, your father being the ‘man’ & you being the lost boy.
Never in a million years would I have ever thought my boys would suffer the killing of 'the Indian',
but my children’s father was no different than most lost Indian boy's in men’s bodies.
Inter generation trauma very much passed through all the father’s in my life.
So to the hurting men that are visibly missing from vital roles in our communities,
I see you & I refuse to be tricked by your suppressed pain & displaced anger,
a gift that the government left as your inheritance. But why cash it in?
Why accept what the government and society expects you to be?
Remove your armour and overshared prizes of pain that both your father
and grandfathers wished they could have shielded you from.
Take a breather from wearing your wounds & becoming exactly what wounded you & them.
Because had your father shielded you, maybe you wouldn’t be as guarded today.
For how can you be at war with them when they were were at war with themselves?
How do you accept an apology you never received? How can you become something you've never had?
Will you stay submerged & suffocate in your pain? Will you allow it to drown you like it him?
Or will you surface up for air & take what's not only yours but what was also theirs too.
Because not every father wants their son to be just like them & you're under no obligation
to take part in the same coping mechanisms as they did.
So exchange the gift, trade it in, take what was meant to be yours.
But you can’t just want something else,
you have to be the something your father never got to be.
So the boy in him can be the man in you.
For all the father’s ending the wars within themselves.
For the son's still at war with their fathers,
for the father's and son's who've ended the wars.
&
For the mother's who never took sides.
But mostly for the little boy's in my father's
and maybe the unborn father’s in my boys.
Xo
All our men deserve to feel safe enough to step into healing.
I think you may have started noticing some kind of pattern in these blogs.
I feel like I have nothing new to say other than my same old same old.
Just me still here, still craving the old ways
& resisting these new ways.
So of course I love hobiyee & how they celebrate the old ways! I wrote about last years too that you can read here.
Hobiyee {Ho-be-yeh} is a celebration of the waxing crescent moon, during the latter part of winter, each year. The Nisga’a People of North Western British Columbia, watch for the positioning of the moon and the stars as a prediction of the coming harvest. Hobiyee is celebrated wherever Nisga’a people live. Like many other communities, they celebrate the New Year with family, friends and community.
I've been back working in wellness part time in my communities on the coast and this work can get heavy.
I'd been feeling far off balance lately and wondering what it must be like to
have different jobs
like at the fish plants
or bird researchers
or someone who paints houses
or works at McDonalds.
But then I remember,
"Oh yah, I had all those jobs and got fired from most of them" LOL
So, I'm in health and wellness where no one has fired me yet.
Anyways I've been needing something to tame this fire in me,
so as always culture to the rescue.
Last week I was certain I was going to throw in the towel with this work,
It was simply too heavy & I had no more lift.
Then I had dinner with these amazing young humans from Tla-o-qui-aht
and what'da know?
They threw the towel right back at me and reminded me to keep fighting.
To stay in the ring.
To sweat it out.
To tear it out.
They totally lifted my spirits and made me want to stay.
I admired how strong their spirits were and soaked in all their energy.
I admired their teachers and the traditional teachings they were being taught and thought
YAASSSSS, every youth deserves to have this!
Every youth deserves to know
who they are
where they come from
&
where they belong.
So they kind of stole me & I drove like a mad women to make their performance at hobiyee.
I woke up extra early & gave myself extra time for the construction
which held me longer than ever! I had to speed to make the ferry with no time to stop for some much need fuel!
So I arrived on fumes at Hobiyee right at 1pm thinking it was a miracle I made it on time!
Only to arrive to them singing their last song as they went on earlier than expected :(
But oh well! I wasn't going to ruffle my feathers!
Last year when I went I thought,
I'm go see all the northern nations perform cause I get to see home perform all the time.
but this year I've been missing my home.
Missing my family.
Missing my culture.
So I traveled all the way to the city just to watch my home.
do what they do.
I've seriously been stressed to the max so getting to the circle was imperative for my own well being.
it was instant healing. I could feel my heart beating back to normal rhythms.
It was like a switch that had been turned off in me for a long time
& suddenly the lights were back on!
Oh yah, this is who I am. This is where I belong. This and these are my people.
It doesn't matter how many times I've heard the songs or seen the dances,
that's an old that always keeps me feeling new.
There were songs and dances that I hadn't heard or seen since way back when my hair was still black.
I watched these youth sing songs that their grandparents once sang.
I watched them dance the same dances that their grandparents once danced.
Actually when I watched them, I did see their grandparents in them.
Robear Thomas & Fred Thomas how they used to really dance when they sang.
Flossie Atleo, how she was always in a rhythm with the beat of the drums, her and Trudy seemed to have a secret synchronicity!
So I am happy I paddled all the way to the city just to visit my home.
You know when you're away from home,
like far away & you see people from home (ish) & it makes you feel somehow closer to home and or more connected?
Ok that was me with Tseshaht! It isn't home but they felt like home & I straight up cozied into their circle.
They have this song that I'm hoping to share (if ok?)
It's one that always shifts my energy and though I am not Tseshaht, it always makes me want to dance!
I feel like I've watched them the last few years & it feels like they've really grown!
They seem to be singing louder and stronger.
They seem to be strengthening their circle and preparing their next generations to raise the roofs!
Either way it was so beautiful to see, hear and feel them raise their roots & the roof!
I never knew this little one but I so wanted to squish and steal this little munchkin!
He wanted to come and be my assistant :)
So I'm grateful as always for being able to squish into circles.
To dance under moons & see all these stars!
And so even though the thought crossed my mind to just stay home & rest.
I am sooooo glad my son pushed me out the door.
Mom, let's go we'll catch the early ferry, you can still make it to watch TFN.
So even though I missed them
I still got to see all these!
I still got to hear about our women, our girls and Mother Earth
and how they must be taken care of.
I still got to see my friends even if just through the lens!
So thank you Nisga'a for reminding us that our lives have always revolved around
the moon.
The elders.
The language.
The ceremonies.
The children.
You remind us to all look up
to Watch the moon
&
know we are all stars.
Stars Just Waiting for the eulachons.
& Watching for the salmon.
because those will always be where we home.
A few years ago I somehow magically found this First Nations blog that spoke to my soul.
I didn't know her, but I sure felt like I did after reading her words.
All I remember reading was her
connection to her home lands
To her grandmother & Their smoke house.
I thought who is this person that I feel like I knew but have never met?
I had to find her.
I needed to be friends with this being whose words I felt so drawn to.
Who knew that one day I would visit her home lands
and those sacred spaces that she wrote of.
It was last summer and it was
an insanely filled one.
I had taken on way too much but was unable to
refuse any of the invitations that kept coming.
I'd heard from my friend,
She had been telling me about their camp now for a few years.
Every year, I would say,
'Next year, I"ll come next year for sure.'
Something in me last summer felt that fear of missing out (FOMO).
What if there isn't a next year?
What if next year comes and I can't go?
What if? There were lot's of would if's,
but mostly the what if's that we all pretend won't happen?
Like would if we die :O
So, I finally accepted the invitation and made it to her ancestral home lands.
I jumped on a plane, with no idea where I was going.
with my bare necessities,
camera's,
book
& buuches (underwear).
All I knew was,
language,
elders
harvests,
Sign me up!
Take me there!
Where ever there was!
She had picked me up in her fully packed SUV.
She was on her way home to marry the love of her life, who've I yet to met but of course sounds just as amazing as her!
Again, had no idea where we were going.
All I knew was it was a camp & I was ready to rough it.
Thinking I was going to be sleeping in a tent,
peeing in the bush
and fasting
as I had zero time to grab food with my mad dash of
last ferries,
first flights
& few hours of rest.
I'd definitely been choosing sleep over food
so bring on the wild dreams I thought.
There were beautiful little cabins
&
the prettiest outhouse that'd I'd ever pee'd in!
All I could think about were the outhouses from my childhood
and how these ones were
five star outhouses
compared to ours (giggles).
We'd arrived to this sacred place I had read about all those years ago
& it was even more magical than I could have ever imagined.
Oh my heart.
it felt like a time warp.
like I went back to 12 years old.
camping with my grandparents
hearing the language
seeing the laughter
hearing the stories
feeling the teachings.
Though I was stranger on their homelands.
I & they felt like family.
they welcomed me with such warmth.
They shared their home.
Their food.
Their stories.
I'd shared this tiny cabin that had two small rooms with this elderly couple.
Every night I"d hear them through the wall, giggling
Every morning I'd hear them
whispering stories in their language.
I lay there smiling thinking,
I could just stay here forever.
No crazy lists ran through my head.
No places I was running late to.
No emails, no cell reception,
oh how dreamy!!
I'd just gotten my new Sony A7III and was clueless on how to use it as I"ve always been a canon girl.
Canon and Sony are completely different so I was mostly silently swearing at it.
(when I wasn't giving lessons to this photographer in the making)
With Sony I've had to convert my files to even share them and anyone who knows me
knows I am no tech person! Never mind colour calibration nightmare stuff.
So though this blog was from last summer,
those be my lame excuses for just getting to this now.
Plus, it feels kind of fitting to share it just now.
Back to that fear of missing out
Back to those what if fears.
My friends mother had contacted me to let me know the couple I shared sleeping space with
he'd lost his wife recently and they wondered if I had any photos to share with the family.
though I had only met them that one time and spent a few days with them.
I looked through all the images with a big lump in my throat and watery eyes.
And as much as I want to share more of her here,
I'm follow my heart and not
as I'm not sure if they too put their loved ones images away after they pass.
But he though.
He was so quiet,
I don't think I even heard him speak the entire time I was there
other than to his wife
& that was always a whisper in his language
I'd see him thoughout the camp
I'd try to be helpful.
but I mostly just tried to be to be quiet and present around him.
I wondered what took his voice.
I wondered what their love story was.
I wondered who would hear his soft spoken words now?
Though I imagine he still silently speaks to her.
& she probably still speaks to him even if only in his dreams.
Maybe if I'm quiet & still enough when I return
he might be there again
and maybe he just might share with me
or I can share with him
the videos I have of her.
Either way I am extremely grateful for my new friends I made in the north.
They had me laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt
They had me laughing so hard that tears fell from the side of my face
They had me laughing so hard that my laugh had zero sound
It had been a very long time since I had that kind of laughter and tears like those.
This women, my friend's mother.
Something about her
her drive
her passion
her mission
her confidence
to just do what needs to be done.
Harvest, even if self taught like a complete crazy lady
Speak, teach and save her language.
She saw a gap and filled it without waiting for someone else to do it.
She knew what needed to be done and did it.
Her and her family have been coming to this land all their lives.
This has always been what they've done.
It's all they've ever known.
I admired my friends for too taking this time to learn
For taking time to return to the salmon.
For taking time to hear their mother's tongue (language)
For taking time to be reminded of what they've been told all their lives.
For taking time to learn exactly how to hang the salmon
That they must face this way and not the other way so the salmon will always return.
For learning how warm the fire should be
For learning which wood to burn.
For learning
So that they too,
can teach their children's children.
For years I"ve been photographing Traditional Foods Gatherings.
I"m absolutely fascinated by how others are in relations to their foods.
and how others are in relation to their rivers.
The oceans.
the Forests.
The four legged
The swimmers.
The flyers.
and the unborn.
It was so beautiful to see their ways
Their teachings
Their language
Their systems
Their laws
I stood there listening to their language as they shared about
Their past
Their present
Their future.
Though I obviously did not understand their language
In my heart I knew why they were sharing
just as why they knew back then
and just as they know now
Why they need to continue to protect
their homes.
their rivers
Their lands
&
The salmon
It wasn't until I was leaving,
we stood outside the smoke house that she wrote about all those years earlier
that I had realized it was
that smoke
These salmon
and those grandmother stories that brought me to my friend.
I heard and saw myself in her.
When you've been alone for so long in a world
that not only wants every part of you as a First Nations being
but also wants what you have as the first people's of this land.
in a world driven by dreams and dollars
it was a warm welcome to find this sister who shares the same sense.
This is my friend's home
This is her families home.
This is where the salmon return.
This is where her people have gone to connect with the land, the river, the language, and each other.
it is where they will stay
it is where they will fight again and again
to protect those here today
to protect for those arriving tomorrow (unborn)
and probably even to one day once again,
shelter and nourish those trying to take this from them today & tomorrow.
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*content warning, trigger warning, swear warning*
The year ended the same way it usually starts.
With the floor cleared
The dog running
The kid hiding
The music blasting
and the momma dancing.
I could sense my son really trying to be curious and compassionate
instead of being what he was trying not to be
which was irritated.
Mom, you should go out for once.
Really? Can you imagine your mother going all out?
He laughed.
It might be kind of fun and funny, he thought.
As he visioned his mother coming home all nuckchoo,
telling him how much I love him over and over.
Thankfully something he's never seen but has definitely heard the loves.
I reminded him about appreciating these moments as the last few years
were extremely dark and heavy.
Earlier this year I had shared this over on my Instagram.
I just finished four years in government (legislation) with my nation & that was a whole lot of energy & ego that was extremely heavy to hold. Never in my life have I felt as depressed, hopeless & isolated as I have lately. To feel so much rage, to hold all that anger & to witness so much loss & pain was excruciating.
Four years ago, I put my name forward. I never ‘ran’, campaigned or promised anything other than hoping to inspire others to live healthier lives & breathing life into our language. Not knowing it would cost feeling a part of my community, giving up my safe spaces in language & growing apart from family & friends. I really thought I could do it, I could not have to choose sides, I could be on everyone’s side, I could hear everyone out. But the fighters want you to fight, they want you to get mad, they want you to choose sides & to participate in the sickness (lateral violence).
I”m no fighter and the fighters want you to fight.
The only battle I want to fight is to support those fighting their addictions, with those fighting wars within themselves & trying not to be better than anyone other than who they were yesterday. So my fights have been reserved for those reclaiming lost lands & fighting to keep their languages alive. So am I sorry? Of course, I am. I am no fighter. I am no politician. Anyone who really knows me, knows the only laws I believe in are spiritual laws, the law of attraction & natural laws.
Regardless of it all, I’m grateful to have witnessed the growth in language learners, the revival of traditional ceremonies, the grooming of the next harvesters (young men), roofs over the heads of those were houseless &
those who fought for their sobriety.
Some things can’t been seen, they can only be felt & those are some feels I felt.
So if you've noticed me slowly disappearing from here, it's been heavy AF. At this point, the thought of leaving this country & getting a job at a gas station sounds both exciting & inviting! But never again will I EVER wear political hats.
Never. EVER.
Especially since I'm mostly all about #fuckthesystem. So if you need me,
I'll be over here smudging for days until I'm me again.
Sighs, though I shared that in March of this year, it still stings & I still find myself avoiding community gatherings.
Though it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do & as much as I want to say I regret it, I don't.
But I also know that you or I, don't need to sign into that system to create change.
You don't need to be a chief or an elected member to create change.
We've always had our own systems. Our own laws.
and until we return, revive, recreate, or enhance what was and is ours
I think we'll always be at war with our SELVES.
I've already been at war with myself and have zero desire to be a war with anyone else.
I'd been wondering if I belonged here anymore,
after all, I am an import.
Had I qualified for a mortgage away from here, I'd have been long gone.
But there's a believer in me,
regardless of how dark my thoughts may get
I tend to trust everything has happened and is happening just as it is meant to.
And I was meant to stay,
as if I could leave and go live in a concrete world.
I kind of need the ocean, the trees, the salmon, elders & culture.
I also need and needed some medicating & talk about perfect timing,
I work quite a bit with first nations health authority
and they called & asked me to photograph their mental health conference.
as if they knew I needed some mental health care myself.
ok anytime I photograph for them, it's always some much-needed reassurance that
I am not bat shit crazy, or alone in this work or these thoughts.
there were so many speakers there that were all about those wars we have with ourselves mentally.
& those wars with that we have with 'those' systems.
systematic oppression
& fighting for your language
now those are my kind of wars!
Get me to a mental health conference to reaffirm I am not mental or losing my marbles.
Every single speaker and workshop was a reminder that I in fact still do have some of my marbles.
all the accounts I follow on Instagram are all about social justice, systemic oppression & white supremacy.
so when one of the presenters was reading from White Fragility,
a book I'd been following online for some time
I was happily surprised & slightly excited!
I was all like, YAASSSSSS
let's dive deep into the depths!!
at one of the FNHA Island Caucuses, they'd brought in James Makokis
He wasn't just another speaker, I wondered what was so special about him
What was this big hype & why was everyone so excited and eager to have their photo taken with him?
He was on a television show called Amazing Race,
I haven't had cable t.v. in years so that explained why I was so clueless.
That didn't quite excite me but when I heard his presentation,
I can't remember what it was called but something like
decolonizing medicine/health.
now that excited me!
he spoke about the consequences of not sharing or passing on
our traditional medicines
our sacred ceremonies
our living languages
and our traditional teachings.
He shared about how certain families want to hold, hoard or deny sharing these.
He also spoke about why and what price we'll all be paying if these don't get passed down.
Meanwhile, I'm there in the corner trying not to fist pump and trying to keep my
Mmmmhhhmmmm's to a min.
So I never saw the show he was on but I sure did like how he spoke about racing to save ourselves
how he spoke about how food is medicine &
how we had and have our own medicines and our own doctors.
Lil'wat, Traditional Medicines Gathering.
FNHA invited me to capture their event &
Sometimes I have moments where I can't believe the spaces I end up in.
Sitting in circle with respected elders and traditional healers for a pipe ceremony.
I knew I wasn't in that sacred space to capture, but more to witness.
It was one of those moments where I wondered
How is it that I am here?
amongst the highest respected beings from various villages.
amongst the medicine people
the traditional healers.
Our spiritual doctors.
Ok, who cares how I ended up there, but I was fully present and extremely grateful to be.
it was so amazing to hear about their Men's Group at the Traditional Medicines Gathering
their men's group started apparently because of our young warriors group!
I stood in the back of the room, with my heart melting.
Who knew that one workshop with FNHA about 10 years ago
that my oldest son and I attended
would lead to this ripple effect of men healing?!
(Listen to me my ego)
It's been so amazing to see, hear and feel our men healing.
Returning to their roles.
Returning to the land.
Returning to the rivers.
Returning to themselves.
something so special about those rare males who
take time away from their own son's
to help other boys become men.
I have the deepest amount of respect for that and them!
they hold the much needed space for our boys to bond and heal.
This group called Culture Saves Lives, brings culture & healing to the streets.
Down town east side, Vancouver.
They bring the drums
They bring the songs.
The bring culture
They bring healing.
&
They bring ceremony
to those on the streets.
This Indigenous Wellness Team at First Nations Health Authority
is SOOOOO MY KIND OF TEAM!!
Oh my gosh, I have so much love and respect for all these open-minded beings who be
wiling to learn,
or rather unlearn.
it's Another event I photograph annually and I swear it's my fav (ok so they all my fav but this one is closest to my heart!)
I loved hearing about all the harm reduction groups in the various different villages
& the differences that they've noticed through that work of those groups.
it's just heart warming & the most beautiful thing to see and feel.
Though some may think that harm reduction has to do with the addict,
I think it has every little thing to do with the sober one or the one trying to help.
to me, harm reduction is about removing the judgement & the expectations,
it's about accepting someone
exactly as they are
where they are.
I've heard so many harm reduction stories that gave me hope,
that gave me inspiration
that tore my heart wide open
&
left me in tears.
I think it' the most beautiful fucking thing ever,
to accept someone just as they are.
if there is any one thing that gets under my skin,
it's when I hear sober people judge those who use.
like that wasn't once them.
because believe me,
I know some sober people that
are sicker than some users.
I think Russel Brand said it best,
"Cannabis isn't a gateway drug.
Alcohol isn't a gatefway drug.
Nicotine isn't gateway drug.
Trauma is the gateway. Childhood abuse is the gateway. Molestation is the gateway. Neglect is the gateway.
Drug abuse, violent behaviour, hyper sexuality and self harm are often symptoms (not the cause) of much bigger issues. And it almost always stems from childhood filled with trauma, absent parents and an abusive family.
but most people are too busy laughing at the homeless and drug addicts to realize
your own children could be in their shoes in 15 years.
Communicate. Empathize. Rehabilitate".
I photograph various health, healing events throughout the province and if there is one thing I've noticed.
It's the women who be
communicating.
Emphasizing
&
creating and holding space for our people to heal.
holding space for our people to return to themselves.
so even though I go to photograph all these beautiful beams of light
and get to witness, see, hear and feel all the magical work being done,
it's always a beautiful reminder that we're not alone.
So even though this year and the last couple of years have been extremely dark and lonely
as addiction is no stranger in my family
it's hard as hell sometimes to hold onto hope.
it's hard as hell to watch someone self medicate.
it's hard as hell to remember that only they can heal themselves.
when all you want to do is take their pain,
take them & save them from themselves.
but we can't.
All we can do is hold space.
Accept.
&
Release.
but as my grandfather always say's.
Just love them.
Unconditionally.
Love will bring them back.
So I'm thankful AF for all the opportunities that I've had through photography this year
that have helped me too return to myself.
Cause as Ram Dass said,
"When you go out into the woods, and you look at the trees, you see all these different trees.
And some of them are bent, you sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way.
And you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that.
And you are constantly saying "You are too this or I'm too this."
That judgement mind comes in.
And so I practice turning people into trees.
Which means appreciating them just the way they are."
May your year be filled with you appreciating all your tree's just as they are
& rather than bonding over whose tree's are bent.
maybe become curious about why your own tree is bending.
because we're all meant to go and grow as
This too shall pass.
]]>
I've lost track on how many years it's been since we've participated in the consumer frenzy,
I'd have to dig through the archives to find out exactly when the last time we'd done so,
but it feels like an eternity, maybe 7 or 8 years?
But I clearly remember when I first started requesting no more gifts,
I'm sure it must have felt like, how dare I,
deny
disrespect
or
deprive
especially my son of such.
I"m sure it was hurtful, offensive & difficult to comprehend.
It mainly started off with all the waste.
The gifts my son & I would receive that honestly we would never use.
And or if we ever did, the use was minimal.
Toys would be played with for maybe a couple hours & end up lost, broken or in the trash.
So even though it started off as a concern about the environment
As I began to dive deeper into the depths of my being
I wondered, why I am celebrating something that I don't even believe in?
Why am I celebrating something that most of my people were forced to believe in?
and what impact was this having on my son & what beliefs of mine was I forcing on him?!
In the last couple of years, he'd been asking to go to Cooper Island, which is a Christian Camp some friends of ours run.
He could tell I was hesitant.
but if there is one thing about my kids, it's that they are fearless about reminding me of what was taught to them.
to be free of judgment.
So though I was hesitant, I had to remind myself of what I had written, thought and said when I was too a teen.
I still have my diary from when I was 17 and I remember writing and thinking
When I have kids, I"m going to give them more choices & freedom than I had.
So even though I too was forced to church as a child.
I knew that if I ever had kids that they would be free to choose their own spiritual beliefs.
So interestingly enough both my kids have explored & experienced church completely on their own.
in those moments, I had to practice what I'd been preaching all their lives.
Which was non-judgment
and allow them to own what was theirs.
their feelings
their thoughts
& their beliefs.
It's one of the hardest things as a parent, to let your child be themselves and not expect or demand them to be you.
i've been reading this book called, The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali,
which has been a game-changer in how I parent, or rather how I project.
Such a fine line between projecting and protecting and it's one I find myself on a lot.
It's really hard to not project my thoughts and feelings onto him about this religion
and even harder to acknowledge the light & loads it's also lifted.
how does one share a light without acknowledging the dark shadows it's left?
every time I see these abandoned buildings, I can't help but shiver.
I've heard far too many stories to not
I've seen so many of our people who truly feel trapped in time
& are Still trembling in trauma from being told what to believe.
So when I see these spaces still there, I can't help but project.
For years during the potlatch ban
when the government prohibited our ceremonies
we were allowed to gift one day per year and that was on Dec 25th.
So the rebel in me, is rebelling this religion cause like hell I want it to tell me when I can, can't or should gift.
PLus I don't even celebrate my own day of birth, so why again was I celebrating this one?
Truth is, I was just doing what everyone else was & I am not everyone else & nor do I want to be.
I want nothing to do with any religion that fears & demeans those with beliefs that differ from theirs.
But then again,
maybe they feared us because we were givers?
Maybe they wanted we had?
maybe they wanted To give like we gave.
which has always been more than just once a year.
it's in our dna.
the word potlatch comes from our word
p̓ačiƛ
which means to give.
We've always been givers.
but what about when we can't give
the pressure society adds this time of year is insane!
it's like adding extra loads to those who already can barley carry the essentials.
something about this time of year that magnifies all those wounds & estranged relationships.
It's like adding heaviness to an already dark & gloomy time of year.
think about it, do most people look happier this time of year?
I mean whether they can afford it or not.
I don't know about you but I see peeps sprinting around looking all exhausted & stressed,
impatiently waiting in lines for things they either don't want or can't even afford to buy.
Because driving around like a maniac, honking horns & flipping fingers as unconscious gifts
has kind of become part of this celebration.
So interestingly enough this blog is about denying the right to gift
whether that denial came from the government, or rebelling religion,
I too have been denied gifting,
I'd recently bought my son some pants from a store that only offered exchanges.
with no clothes that he would fit or wear I was left to leave with some THING!
ok I was kind of excited at the thought of giving this to one of my men.
So I thought for sure one of them might like it.
I mean my oldest son rarely takes things from me, EVER
and my youngest son always happily takes everything cause he rarely gets anything.
Ummmm. . . . Nope. . . . . neither
wanted this coolest skate board ever that rides soooo smooth.
Straight up Denied.
hah, hashilthsa (interesting).
Whyyyyy my weird children?!
apparently because they both already have one & neither needs two.
Could they possibly be following in my footsteps?
or maybe they really just didn't dig the long board?!
or maybe it has nothing to do with me or them or the board ?
Regardless of what they believe,
The trees are in rooted in the ground where they belong &
we have zero waste & not a single thing to trash, donate or regift.
Raising a non materialist humans in a very materialistic world has had it's challenges for sure
& I’m not so sure we’d have been here had we still had cable television, thankfully gone too years ago.
It may sound depriving to some and believe me,
there’s still a small part of me that would love to spoil the crap out of youngest they way I did with my oldest
and get him every little thing his heart secretly desires.
But when I see and feel his excitement & impatience to gift his elders traditional foods and or treats,
there is nothing depriving about that.
Seeing the light in his eyes & the love in their hearts as he’s wrapped in their wrinkles, reminds me of what can’t be bought. .
So In a world driven by always needing and wanting more
to be ‘happy or rather temporarily happier,
I admire those who attempt to reclaim what cannot be bought.
Presence over presents any day.
So of course, I hope your day (s) are filled too with every little thing money couldn’t possible buy.
It’s so easy to get lost in the chaos, getting, receiving, not getting, not being able to give or wanting more or something else.
I’m grateful his memories will always be of giving & the gifts of experiences he’s received. Hopefully they’ll one day be priceless. .
Cause sometimes, not getting what we want is also kind of a gift.
and though there've been many gifts received in my family through this religion that I'm am truly grateful for,
what little went of it that did go right, can never fix all the wrongs it left.
For all those climbing out of their darks.
Wounded in the wrongs
& or running from lights & rights.
It's ok to not be ok.
AS my friend Naas Ałuk say's
t̓iʕas (winter solstice) is a time for us to pause, rest and reflect. Too often during this time of year we place much emphasis upon the absence of light.
But, there is value and strength to be found within the darkness as well.
The darkness reminds us of the value of light and warmth. It enhances those nurturing qualities.
Darkness can also bring families and people closer together.
We are pulled together and rely upon the stored provisions of food, love and laughter that keep us company during the cold, dark nights of winter.
t̓iʕas provides us time to reflect upon the year that has passed.
We learn from the experiences made, steps taken and growth made.
We pause and rest and refresh our strength for the year ahead.
We gather and celebrate and craft collective dreams and visions for the year ahead.
During these shortened days... celebrate the light
but also embrace the darkness.
It is both elements that provide us the necessities of life.
ƛułuk̓ʷič t̓iʕas
]]>
Six years ago one of my youth friends' had told me about this Nahko guy,
showed me his video and I instantly thought,
I could be friends with him.
Then five years ago another friend showed me the Black Hills Unity Concert promo video
that I had watched earlier that week and I thought,
Melody you do not need to go all the way to the hills
Be responsible
Stay home
save money.
Then my friend invited me over for tea and thought we should just up and go to this Unity Concert in Dakota
I think it was the following week or something last minute like that.
So of course we up and went,
because well,
we both weird, wild, free spirits that's why!
it was in the hills that I saw myself.
there were others.
others who felt the way I do about
life
land
language
&
ceremony.
Though I originally went to see & hear him.
I had no idea how the connections there and then would impact my life
and shift not only my being but my path as well.
I met so many brown beautiful beings who were passionate about
who they were, are and will be.
Many of whom have knew exactly who they were.
Knew exactly where we as Indigenous have come from
and knew exactly where they were going
knew exactly who they needed to take
and knew exactly what they needed to bring.
I saw something in them that I wanted in myself.
I didn't know how, what or why but I knew I wanted what they had.
but I also knew what they had
had nothing to do with them or me.
It was bigger, deeper & darker.
They all had a fire in them and I wanted to burn too.
I
The hills lit something in me that still burns today.
So of course I"m thankful for all the moments and all the beings that have lit me.
that have helped me find my own fire
that have taught me to share my warmth.
that have shown me what
social justice,
indigenous resistance
&
sovereign rights looks like.
More importantly shown me what wrong feels and looks like both globally and locally.
That trip to the Black Hills was where I fell not only more into myself
but more into who we are as indigenous.
What I saw in them
wasn't me,
or them,
it was US I saw.
So somehow this journey has lead me down this unexpected path.
I never knew then that so many of the friendships formed there would shape me here but they did.
I admire my friend and all my friends who use their voices to
protect, support & resist the dollars and dreams
that lead to destruction & oppression of indigenous people's.
For years I've worked in health, healing and helping and it can sure get heavy and hard to hold.
Lifting your people up is a full time job & it gets dark, scary and exhausting.
Sometimes I question it all, wondering if I"m in the right place.
It's usually then I start wondering if I'm crazy.
it's also usually around then when this guy shows up.
Then I remember
I am crazy!
and I'm totally meant to be with other crazies!
Cause why be normal when you can stay weird?!
Extremely thankful for this weird tribe & all the crazies that lead me to them & this!
I'm a huge believer in energy
Every little thing is energy.
What you watch.
What you feel.
Who you surround yourself with (cause apparently you become them.)
What you write.
How you talk (about self & others)
How you walk
How you think.
What you listen to.
All energy.
So lucky me gets to fuel with this and them.
xo
It’s been such a blessing to witness this beautiful film come to life.
From the very beginning when my nephew first called
& let me know what he was wanting to do,
which was to make a documentary on mountains.
To of course me asking how he'd be including his indigenous roots as part of it
otherwise why else call this auntie?
Last summer and this summer were the absolute nuttiest summers for me ever!
IF anyone knows me, I"m all about less work - more mom
so taking on anything additional was a
NO
Negataive
NOPE.
But
the auntie in me needed to support this artist in the making, my nephew
& his friend who is the nerdiest nerd I know
But nerds are smart & they doers & everyone should have at least one friend whose a nerd!
ok I'll help these kids out
I thought it might take a day or two of my life.
UMMMM NOPE.
Daily calls
A million texts
Two years later.
& broken promises on my end too if I"m being honest
(I was to climb with them but no time for play, it's been all work which btw I did make them slave for me too)
Fast forward to the middle of the chaos
when I was overwhelmed with my own stuff
my day job
my photography
my momma roles to the kid and pooch
forget food and house chores
articles, edits, emails, blaaaaahhhhh!!
adding these two to the lists seriously about drove me bat shit crazy (for real!)
But I couldn't say no.
Not to them or this.
Especially after the non stop lectures I'd already given them on Indigenous protocols.
So I stuck it out because what other kids are out there
getting high on mountains
& making movies on climate change?
Its' been a couple of years with this & them.
There've been many teachable moments.
A few mistakes.
A few retakes.
A few headaches
and a lot of laughter.
Being with them was like being with my younger self.
Sheesh my poor parents!
Freeing, crazy, silly, inspiring & full of drive and dreams.
As the film is in its final stages, preparing for its official debuts,
I think about how I’m going to miss these two
& all this extra chaos
(ok I won't really miss the chaos & I highly doubt these two will be disappearing, especially with Evan feeling like one of them!)
So Thank you Jaide & Trist
for allowing me to share this beautiful & inspiring journey with you.
I’m excited to see where you both go
I'm a little sad that’s it over but mostly relieved & grateful.
You’ll always remember this as your first film
& I’m really proud to have been a part of it.
I look forward to seriously finding my solitude
after all that so not solitude with this film (giggles)
I most certainly hope I can make at least one of the debuts!
Regardless of if I make one or not, of course I think it’s worthy of adding it to your must see list!
For more info on this, them and where you can see :
https://www.findingsolitudefilm.com
ʔušy̓aksiiƛeic Finding Solitude Film
for guilting me into the mountains with you!
One of our Nuu-chah-nulth words for happy
stems from nuči which means mountain
because when you're happy
you're high like mountains!
(so cool hey?!)
#findingsolitudefilm #indigenousstorytelling #nuuchanulth #komoks #firstnations #sacredmountains
📸 @jaidengeorge
🎥 @oldgrowthmedia
Why can't they just teach us?
Why does it feel like spiritual starvation for me?
My grandparents spoke & still speak what feels like this ‘secret language'.
I never understood why, until I began to surround myself in their circles just to hear my language.
The eager & impatient starving student in me was so worried I was running out of time
& so very confused why it often felt like I had to beg-pry just to hear our first voices.
I’ve known for years about this country's dark history but still never understood.
Until, a few years ago when elders began to feel comfortable in sharing parts of their survival stories with me.
Then I not only knew why I never spoke my own language
but I now FELT why.
Awhile ago while photographing an elder from xaxlip, I shared my excitement about learning my language.
He shared how residential school beat his language right out of him
& how he was punished for speaking his language then shamed for not knowing his own language when he got to go home.
I took a deep breathe,
held my heart
and suddenly felt a heaviness
that felt like guilt and regret for sharing my excitement with him.
He saw (I think)
how I immediately felt and told me not to feel bad &
that he was envious and proud of the few younger ones who are taking time to learn.
It made me think of this spoken word poetry (can’t remember it exactly or where it came from), but it was something like this:
I speak to my mother in a language she doesn’t understand
because the colonizers now occupy my tongue.
The English language is a sickness & I don't even want to know how many languages have been lost to it.
It's been about 10 years off and on learning where and when I can,
there are so many barriers to learning
but incomparable to the unlearning survivors have had to do from those toxic systems.
łačiƛ - to let go.
If you never heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.
Hurting people hurt people. History repeats itself.
Trauma travels through time.
It's mind blowing that for someone who never went to residential school,
whose parents never went either
but somehow the grandkids of the grandparents who'd gone are feeling the impacts.
I've heard over & over that we should get over it,
quit hiding behind residential school,
that was way back then.
But for so many the impacts are very much here and now.
Intergenerational trauma,
travels through generations,
in it's many forms and faces of
addiction,
abuse
&
anger.
Begging to be seen behind it's various masks.
So much strength to carry those heavy stories
that have been handed down and
what courage it takes to stop sharing THAT same story & begin to write your own.
To break those cycles that have left us broken.
Leaves us open often in dark places
that lead us to the source.
It's in those dark places that healing waits with the wounds.
So touch it.
Feel it.
Heal it.
The more you let go.
The higher you rise.
For those wounded in dark places, feeling alone.
For those hiding & holding their wounds.
For those who think they don't have any wounds.
For those rewriting their story.
Sage is down.
Prayers are up.
September 30th is orange shirt day, a day to remember those we lost in Residential Schools and honour those who’ve survived.
To the survivors who kept our language & ceremony underground, to those who somehow kept it alive inside themselves, to those who rebelled & secretly held sacred ceremonies in those schools & to those who surrendered - we remember. To those who have the courage to speak & teach our languages, through your fears, even if very slowly, quietly and shyly, I hold my hands up to you with the deepest respect, admiration & gratitude.
So from not knowing why I never spoke my own language to the amazement that it’s even still here.
Thankfully some felt that English language wasn't there's.
It didn't belong in them.
&
they wanted it out.
I"m naturally drawn to those diving into who they are.
To those reclaiming their ways & their voices.
I admire them for making this their priority.
For knocking through all the barriers
for not giving up
for sacrificing every little thing
for wanting a part of themselves that everyone else was content with giving away.
Because reality is
one day when all our elders are gone.
we can either choose to heal what was broken in them
or allow it to break us back open to who we are.
It's pretty crazy when you think about it
How our grandparents were once
forced into those systems where assimilation was the goal.
To make us like them.
To today
where we willingly enter those systems
to leave our ways
to leave our homes
to leave our language.
kind of feels like assimilation by choice.
Where we praise, admire and look up to those who've left home
to become educated
to have 'made it' financially
to have really left so far and so long
that they've never returned back home.
Something I myself struggle with my son.
Wanting him to be educated, but not so educated that he forgets who he is & where he's from.
because to me
no amount of education can replace
who we are as First Nations peoples
or the spiritual practices that have kept us connected to the ocean and to the land.
I"m always drawn to those who live such connections to
their food
the land
&
their languages.
because who are we if our languages die?
because knowing your language is resistance
so surrender to
hearing it
speaking it
feeling it
because those we lost would want you to
find it.
learn it
keep it
&
live it
hupiiʔin huḥtakšiiḥ help us learn
t̓aaqsčiikukʷap̓in t̓ašii show us the right path
našuk suqƛap̓in - strengthen our spirit
hišukʷin ququaaca - lets all speak our language
For those we lost
for those we found
for those silent ones
for those loud ones
for those scared to learn
for those afraid to teach
it's survived for you.
For you.
To find you
&
return you back to the land.
because
To know your language
is
to know the land
&
to know the land
is to know yourself.
I'm thankful I have friends who know themselves
who want to go far enough back
that it will take us all forward.
#orangeshirtday #firstnations
]]>
I had this need to go to it.
Be near it.
On it.
In it.
with it.
when I look as far back as I can through the digital archives
I think it started as a healing call for me.
I remember those dark days I needed to be in the surf.
Allowing the ocean to wash over me
but mainly needing her to wash through me
September tends to be the time with the most calls from the ocean.
Begging to be sat with after everyone's left.
Almost like she waits for me to visit.
Sometimes, I ride, or rather attempt to ride.
my last surf at Kwisitis
I was out there all alone
(well Evan and Max were body surfing on the shore)
There I sat on my board.
Feeling all proud of myself for not being scared.
Inhaling my big girl moment.
when this eyeball covered in barnacles slowly & silently appeared a few feet from my left side.
It was so surreal.
I had just released my deep breathe and was having a moment of gratitude
Thinking & thanking the creator for this amazing life I have.
Then that 👁
Ok of course my heart started racing in that moment because
HELLO
did you ever watch Jaws as a child
or
Black Fish (documentary)
as an adult?!!
so my second thought was,
at least it' a grey and not a killer whale!
It felt like a few magical minutes of staring into one another's souls.
Then it left just as it had arrived, slowly & silently it sank back into the depths.
I think it was after that I decided that I'm quite content with just waiting for my surfers on the shore.
Or standing in the harbours where
shelter
silence
&
stillness
seemed more me.
For years long before surf boards and sup's
I would go and sit down the dock
with my camera and my diary.
It was always some much needed time of solitude in a world which felt far too noisy and busy for me.
I remember when I first moved here to Yuuthluithaht
I swear I was homesick for years
but being down the dock somehow made me feel closer to home.
This journey with the ocean seemed to call me in more ways than one.
Not only did it call me spiritually.
but it also called me to work.
I remember I moved to Campbell River to be closer to my sister some years ago.
It was such a culture shock,
I was so used to saying hello to everyone and knowing everyone & everyone knowing me.
Every damn day I went out to look for work there with zero luck.
Talk about humbling. I'd never ever been that broke in my life ever.
After months of unsuccessful job searching.
I decided to apply for this research job though UVIC that was offered closer to my home, Ahousat.
I remember I got the job and wasn't sure how I felt about it. After all I had just moved my son and I across island.
So I talk it over with my uncle and he said, "Well what the hell you doing applying for a job you don't want?"
SHEEEESH So I took it!
It was a research job where we had to be out on the water from dusk to dawn.
AND I had to drive the boat!
Being on the water, floating so freely under the moon light with
Whales exhaling so close to you that their breathe misted your face.
Watching night turn to day as the rest of the world slept.
Quickly became my fav time to be awake.
It ended up being one of the best jobs I've ever had!
so this ocean call.
maybe started out as a call home.
because I missed my home so much.
I was raised in my community where
people naturally gave, shared and helped.
I was so used of my food coming straight from the ocean to our table.
After spending more than half my life here in Yuuthluithaht
I still miss home and community so I thought
I'm just gonna go find my own fish & find a way to get my own food.
Thankfully I made a couple of friends, who the poor things
have had their share of putting up with me and my never ending harvest requests over the years.
I remember my very first time some years ago
going to find fresh fish here in Yuuthluithaht
Feeling all vulnerable & insecure but on a fresh fish mission,
I drag my cousin down the dock with me cause I didn't want to look poor or needy
(Giggles, so having her with me made me look rich and independent.)
That first fish find lead to years of friendship with West Coast Fish.
Matty has thankfully supplied our home with the freshest of fishes the last 11 + years
& has always been there and available when I've had such rad opportunities that included taking elders & youth out fishing!
Along with this guy who finally has recently started his own adventures with Uukwiis
Probably the only guy who thinks he can boss me around.
Always calls last minute, inviting me out for harvests
telling me I have 10 minutes to
grab my gear
my gumboots
food & bevies
&
meet him somewhere that usually takes half hour to get to!
But I'm always game & grateful!
He's taken Evan & I out many times for
clams
oysters
herrings
fish
&
tootsup
That last herring spawn I couldn't find anyone to take me out
& man was I ever PO"d!
So I did what I had to do.
Got the kid
The kayak
The trees
The stand up paddle board
and headed out.
I was so mad paddling out thinking
$%*%@! this
I don't ever want to need or have to beg anyone to take me out ever again!
Might sound strange and random but I had thought about my late father's during that temper tantrum.
I thought about my father in law who for years lived on the ocean as a guardian.
I'd spend more time with him more than both my father's combined.
IF he were here, he'd have taken me out.
He'd have mumbled and grumbled about it
but he'd have taken me.
But I mostly thought about my father.
He was never there for me growing up.
He broke every single promise he ever made to me as a child.
he was far from perfect and most definitely left some pain and trauma in his trail.
but he was still my dad
&
Though he wasn't capable of being there for me.
as an adult I choose to be there for the child in him.
He'd call me everyday and talk about his old fishing days or tell me stories of my late mother.
I'd listen. I'd really listen.
Because I knew he wasn't well.
I knew he didn't look after himself.
I knew one day I'd miss those calls and those special conversations.
& nothing like anniversaries to remind you of your father's.
September 12th was the day my dad was born.
September 12th was the day my father in law journeyed home.
So those thoughts of my fathers during those winter blues (herring spawns)
where I was throwing temper tantrums
over feeling stranded ashore
while wanting to answer the calls to the ocean.
particularly had me thinking of a promise I made to both those father's.
I'm going to have my own boat I told them for years.
they would chuckle at me.
So I'm sure they're flying over me
shaking their heads
Because I finally bought my own damn boat!
Because I'm a mother raising son's.
and or Maybe because my father only had daughters?
or maybe because I'm a mother whose father's & grandfather's were & are fishermen.
No wait, that's a whole other blog about roles and discussions I've had with elders on women harvesting.
But boat mostly because I'd like my son to be
self sufficient.
to know how to fish
to not only know his traditional territories
but to know their traditional names & histories too.
So thank you to my father
who somehow managed to keep his last promise to me.
which was to help me get a boat.
So it's a few years late but it's here now dad.
It's still nameless but I'm definitely drawn to
Kelsmsit 'something' because
Well maybe I"m still trying to bring
Ahousat to Yuuthluithaht. ;)
I"m be all all over the VHF
in my strongest Mexican accent
Freeeeeeeesh fiiiiiiish down the dock,
come get it.
Just like home.
xo
The ocean called and I finally answered.
Scared AF but still answered.
because to me, if I'm not scared
then I'm too comfortable
& if I'm comfortable too long
I know it's time to go and grow.
Awwwww
ʔušy̓aksiiƛeic nuw̓i & nani
for watching me grow.
for watching me want to be parts of you.
]]>
13 years of land, ceremony, elders, culture & traditional ways of life. Came against all birth control odds & clearly was meant to be here, to rebirth my life & coincidently help me understand death. Yesterday I reminded him that although he wasn’t part of my plan, he was every part of his father’s big bright plan. Because every plan should start with a wish upon falling star.
which was exactly what dad did, he wished for him! Then conveniently ecstatically confessed to me after the pregnancy test.
So even though he came when dad left, this was all part of THE plan.
I reminded him, there are no accidents and sometimes the best gifts come completely unwrapped, unseen, unplanned and take you by surprise.
So he was my surprise gift that came from the stars, the sky & spirt.
It's been very different this time parenting than my first. When my child is dropping truth bombs in his grade 7 class on thanksgiving about attempted genocide & having discussions about government conspiracies, colonialism, climate change, & energy AND EGO?!
I think this is 13?!
When I can’t even berry pick with him in other territories because he reminds me it isn't our territory & we hadn’t asked permission (protocol) to harvest. When I watch him participate in culture so proudly it makes me think back to when I was his age, I most definitely wasn’t even aware there were other ‘Indians’, (as that’s what we were then) AND I was super shy & almost embarrassed about my culture.
So this is 13, long locks & though I want to say boy braids,
it's more like man braids,
loud & proud & completely unapologetic.
This next generation though, rising & raising it all.
The days of
silencing,
simmering
&
stolen
are long gone.
these after all,
are the grandchildren of the ‘Indians’ society once tried to banish. .
We grew these in the dark & they are most definitely here to stay & light the way.
✨✊🏽🌱
He reminds me that cycles can be broken.
That generations can heal.
That real men feel.
And of course
That parents can be taught, corrected and aren't always 'right'.
Thank you Evan for who you've been.
who you are
&
all you shall be
ʔiičaʔapʔick łimaqsti ʔin hinumłitq ƛaḥ n̓aasʔi. yaaʔakukniš suutił.
It lifts my spirit that you were born this day. Love you!
xo
A couple years ago I photographed the Innovaative Young Indigenous Leaders Symposium (IYILIS) & spent the week with 60 young indigenous leaders from across the province.
Their Vision
Their vision is to create space for young Indigenous people who are doing grounded work in their communities to come together and share their experience and best practices. They invited young Indigenous leaders for a 4 day symposium, to cultivate common knowledge and ideas, empower each other and their communities and envision our futures together. They want to create a strong network of motivated and self-determining young leaders who can learn from one another and find common connections in their work.
They acknowledge the work that is going on around the province to revitalize Indigenous languages, cultural practices, laws, and governance systems and it is important to bring these people together to create a strong network and uplift the work happening in each of our communities to create strong, healthy and vibrant Indigenous futures.
Never had I ever been in a room with so many rad, inspiring, indigenous beings who were also passionate about
all the same things I was!
I remember feeling,
'There ARE others?!'
Ok so maybe there were all half my age but still!
I felt like I found my tribe.
So when my friends wanted to meet up to share their ideas and goals for this years
I was so stoked and so there!!
Though they were still manifesting the funds needed to pull it off
I cleared my schedule knowing it would happen cause they crazy doers!
Snuneymuxw (Nanaimo) wow, how beautiful to be on your land.
To hear your stories
Your songs.
Your language
&
your teachings.
Though IYILIS was held at VIU,
always recognizing the importance of honouring the land whose territory we on
the first day was on the land.
We ferried over to Saysutshun (New Castle Island)
Ok if you've never been and you need an escape from Nanaimo
Saysutshun (New Castle Island) is it's only little private paradise!
Crazy to think for us neighbouring nations
how close we are to each others territory
but have never been.
we were Hosted by elder Xulsimalt, Gary Manson
Ummmm one of my favourite humans EVER!!
He and his niece Emmy both work at VIU as support for First Nations students.
Like where was that & they when I was there? !
IF you new or old returning to VIU and miss
home, culture, elders, teachings
go find them!
Ok couple confessions, I wasn't at VIU that long &
pretty much all the IYILIS presenters were from my fav circles.
Even if those circles are mainly from spaces in cyber (instagram).
When you busy hearting all their posts,
then
you see them in real life
but you not really sure if it's them
& you don't want to assume or ask cause you don't even know their 'real' name
they still part of your circle, like saltwater_womxn here :)
Because medicine making
knowing where to find
When to find
& how to use
matters.
There were many discussions on various topics that we all identified with.
It was so powerful to witness this next generation
owning who they are
knowing exactly where they come from & where they belong
representing their roots
& reclaiming what rightfully belongs to them.
cultural identity & protocols
To see younger and younger youth
learning their languages &
carrying on cultural protocols
gives me goosebumps.
To me, it's like seeing elders in young people.
Salia you my kind of elder. xo
Apparently we don't see the world as it is,
we see it as we are.
so of course I see elders in them all.
I could listen to my friend Patrick for hours on end. He truly is an elder, wise beyond his years.
Listening to him reminds me of my grandfathers. it feels so rare to hear that kind of talk anymore.
the kind that grounds you
stops you in your tracks
points out all the lessons you've been missing
reminds you of what you lost when you didn't even know it was missing.
the kind of talks it felt like we all had before the internet interrupted us all.
The kind of IYILIS talks.
but it wasn't all talks.
of course there were times for songs too.
songs sung in each of their own languages
sighs.
yah.
it was far more beautiful than I could ever attempt to put into English words.
Language revitalization Panel
I for a split second thought about not attending this gathering
specifically because I knew it would bring up a lot of emotion in me.
When I think about Indigenous people world wide and the oppression, trauma and loss that continues to this day
lights a fire in me.
land
language
culture
identity
are life lines.
What happens when we lose our languages? I personally can't even imagine our ceremonies without them.
When I see and hear speakers,
whom are obviously all elders
I can't help but think about what feels inevitable.
I sat there listening to my friends on the panel of their languages.
Trying not to ugly cry as they shared their emotional journey which felt oh so familiar.
They too crave old ways
ancient voices
& want with everything in them to have what's rightfully theirs.
Pretty hard to find and feel the light when you full on in survival mode.
But there are lights
even if tiny flickers
Fanning and softly blowing one another to keep each other lit.
I'm so thankful to so many of these beings have personally kept me warm during cold, dark, lonely patches.
So maybe we can't take everything they have
and all they know
as much as we want to.
I'm not sure we could carry it all even if we could
So where do we go from here?
What do we do?
How do we carry on?
The same way our grandparents did.
Through songs
Though ceremony
Through culture.
Through the stars.
Through taking it all back
Through Making the old new again.
Through one child at at time.
Through coming full circle.
Thank you IYILIS for choosing me to circle up with you.
You give me so much
hope
inspiration
&
fire
I look forward to fanning your sparkles
Watching you light the way
as you continue to carry on the old ways.
xo
https://www.iyils.ca
]]>
adventures off to new territories are my fav kind of adventures!
tl' esqox it was soooo lovely to meet you for the first time ever
and
just as I thought
it took forever for this tourist to arrive
I stopped more than a few times just to inhale the smell of sage everywhere.
and watch the horses run wild and free!
I wondered where all their neighbours were?
Soooooo much land, it made me feel all squished here :O
I thought about the salmon that somehow magically find their way into my smoke house
sometimes all the way from this very river!
it's always interesting to know where my food comes from, especially when it comes to food fish.
made me grateful to these people & this river.
for the sharing their wild healthy salmon that nourish us all year long!
we arrived somehow without GPS or wifi & if you know me that almost miraculous!
horses, everywhere.
wow, we were so fascinated!!
not sure what we originally expected but it was so much more than what we did.
my heart was racing with excitement!
I could see my son's eyes sparking and feel his eagerness and impatience as I tried to park.
it was so foreign to us, we'd never seen such connections between horses and First Nations before.
we were definitely in another world & it felt amazing to finally leave our very familiar world.
This was their world.
Their way of life.
&
we were visitors.
it was mind blowing to me & I thought it was the coolest thing EVER!
to see youth & even young toddlers
learning,
playing
competing
connecting
I was trying to be all shy & shoot from afar
until I got introduced to the chief and the MC who asked me to speak to the crowd
gulp :O attempts to speak my language
hopefully it made sense to someone!
We were on his home lands, this territory has been in his family for generations.
Every year he hosts and I could hear the joy that he brought him to do such.
Of course I was interested in everyone's story.
but everyone was busy, helping, teaching, volunteering.
I was so curious, did he ride?
Does he still? Who taught him? How old was he when he started?
Does he still ride? Why if not?
So many stories and thoughts were running in my head
but I want to know
no time to know.
just captures of them in their elements.
Oh but I really wanted to know his story.
Does he speak his language?
oh how I"d have loved to hear his story too!
but there were too many fast things to be captured and no time to slow down to all the stories I was curious about.
no time for visits or interviews.
even though part of me was sad
I was happy to witness
slowly made my way to the elders who were all on the hill
oh how I wanted to create portraits of them all individually
but I knew that would take more time and trust than I had.
but in the few short moments I did have, I was grateful that some of them trusted this stranger in their territory.
maybe it was my attempt of my language?
I don't know but I do know that I'm always naturally drawn to the speakers!
so thank you tl' esqox for opening
your home
your hearts
&
for sharing your language
your elders
&
your salmon
I"ll most definitely be back
next time to hear more stories
xo
]]>
Ahousat school has been hosting potlatch, I"m not sure how long now? Kids hosting ceremony makes me want to make up with
facebook (cause I broke up with it few years ago) just so I never miss another one of these ever again!
I was sooooooo happy to finally go home, even if it was to introduce myself in some of my new roles.
All I could think about was, how much we've grown.
I gazed at all the kids, trying to see their parents in them.
Trying to guess what families (last names) they looked like.
Like adults did to me as a child
and
as elders to this day do to me as to me as an adult.
I have so much respect for our chiefs
who carrying on our ways
and
their roles & responsibilities.
To hold all that
hurt
healing
food
&
ceremony
Those are such huge, heavy roles to hold.
So anytime I see unity, laughter, healing, support & pride.
Give our community
more of that.
More of this.
She was given a name
randomly & unexpectedly by one of the chiefs.
called forward to be acknowledged by your chiefs
at this age (or any age)
I hope they know how very special that was.
Then to have the children
honour and acknowledge their chiefs in return.
I sat there thinking, this is my home.
not everyone has a home like this.
do they at home know how beautifully blessed they are?
or will they too realize it after they've left it like I?
so of course I was beaming.
there was so much
light & life
in this space.
And nothing quite as beautiful as seeing light
where some were once walking through dark.
So proud of this guy, his growth game is solid & strong
& his drug of choice is most definitely
culture.
Then there are those who are learning, or re-learning their ways.
Standing so humbly
speaking the little bits of language they know.
soaking in every little thing they have left
My heart is always with these ones. The one's learning and teaching as they learn. wasting no time in passing it all along.
even if they Unsure if it's correct,
even if they nervous & scared
there they are
trying.
but yet having fun too because reality is
we're all learning as we go
so may as well laugh at yourself once in awhile.
Then there's those look like they've been doing it their whole young little lives
knowing those teachings and sacred connections we have with the animal kingdom
Them haahuupayak studentsl have some pretty amazing teachers and it clearly reflects
in how they sing
how they dance
how they walk
&
how they talk
.
I remember their fist winter solstice concert I went to there a couple years ago,
I was ready to pack up my kid and move there
just so he could have all that too ! !
wow.
And although my children have never grown up or lived in their other home
They know it is there's too.
Well, at least now they do. When my youngest was about five & we were walking up the dock at home in Ahousat he asked,
Mom, how does everyone know you here?
They're all family I told him.
Wow, he say's, I wish I had that much family.
Giggles, they are yours too.
Even though there are always new family members like these cutest things ever that we've never met before.
all I could think was, I don't ever remember being this cute ! !
nor do I remember having that sparkle in my eyes when Peter Webster used to be telling us as kids
Tookshe tookshe!
these kids rocked the entire gym
had everyone on their feet
and
sparkles in everyone's eyes
so thank heavens some from our generation were paying attention way back
when the rest of us were too busy flirting
they were soaking in language
songs
teachings
culture
so that these kids could have it too.
and so even though I went home to help
I felt like they helped me more than I ever could them.
love love my home.
♡ ʕaḥusʔatḥ ♡
xo
]]>
Oh you know just the usual blog posts here on foods and medicines.
Was so excited when Leigh from The Wild Botanicals had reached out to me requesting me to capture their Indigenous Foods Celebration
in their traditional territory of Skwxwú7mesh
.
Some friends of mine have been organizing Annual Indigenous Foods Gatherings too on the island for
about the last 10 years & lucky me has gotten to capture them all!
So of course I was eager and excited to get to do so with this one too!
protocols, are always powerful and beautiful.
we are all so very much the same with our own different languages.
Something so very grounding about the beats of the drums,
the sounds & songs that have been carried for generations.
Had I not had cameras to hold,
my hands would have been on my heart.
My eyes closed
&
Heart wide open.
I can only imagine the impact these gatherings will have on the next generations.
thankfully there are some putting in the work.
asking, learning, trying their very best to ensure some of
these ways
&
these foods
&
their language
somehow survive for those yet born.
So many beauty products today are loaded with harmful ingredients
so plants are how I care, cleanse, protect & moisturize my mug.
So of course I"m all about adding that
Indigenous Plant Knowledge into my daily beauty and self care rituals.
(pretty sure it started with my momma way back when as she was the queen of home remedies)
As huge of a fan I am of these gatherings,
I couldn't keep a plant alive if my life depended on it!!
just ask my son, he'll be the first to share how many have died on my watch :O
To the trees
that give us air to breathe
bark to wear
roots to return to.
& places to pray.
indigenous world wide
share these teachings
these values
that respect.
I always remember late Mary Hayes (Tla-o-qui-aht) whom I used to spend time with regularly years ago,
used to say,
Even the trees have spirit.
So maybe we're really spirits protecting and connecting with other spirits that are plants & trees.
Either that or we're magic,
they're magic
or it's all magical?
either way, I'm a believer it in all!
Then of course I freak out!
Who are going to be the next
magical medicine people? !
how are they preparing
to ensure our traditional medicines
continue to heal.
Who will take over for her?
Oh right...
Them.
They are being taught.
Living and learning right now.
so to the teachers that taught
the learners that shared
to the ones who spoke to their plants
&
to the ones who believed
thank you Skwxwú7mesh
for receiving such sacred gifts
& for sharing them with us!
]]>
just returned from a magical week on the beautiful lands of the Okanagan nation with the raddest group
of peeps who took time out of their busy lives to talk about
Preparing Our home. ~ Emergency Preparedness Planning.
Ok, maybe you wondering what is Melody doing at such a thing? Just hold on, it'll come right after I brag about all this.
Wow, I think I fell in love with their territory! I've been craving change lately & so there I was dreaming away
of living somewhere as welcoming as this felt.
They have an amazing story, how their chief lifted their whole nation, read it here.
I was blown away, he came a spoke at our nation but I missed it. So to see first hand & hear directly from his people
gave me so much hope for not only my nation, but all nations.
We stayed at their Spirit Ridge Lodge & showZAS, it was so fancy!
I'm not normally drawn to such fancy places but this place was different.
I saw their language everywhere!
I felt their culture very much alive.
&
I heard pride in their voices.
That to me is felt like some deep, solid roots of a very healthy, thriving community!
So fancy or not, I definitely felt it.
Their Nk'Mip desert cultural centre is right next to their resort, oh my god!
All nations should have such visual pride & cultural connections!
Their land
Their stories.
They are RICH and I'm not talking dollars! I'm talking senses, all five of them (or however many we have!).
So there I was still visioning being a part of something as rich as this,
then...
Rattle snakes?! I never even realized we had them here.
Bubble bursted.
Ok, I can't live with rattle snakes. Melody you best stay on Nuu-chah-nulth home lands.
ok back to how the heck I end up at emergency preparedness gathering?!
Well, a couple of years ago one of my friends (Sarah Robinson) shouts out my name to these guys
who host this workshop every year with youth on preparing their home.
Most of my life has been working with youth & their next gathering was in Ahousat so it seemed like
it should have felt like a natural fit right?
Go home and teach youth, youth that don't know me & I've never taught
photography before so to say I was hesitant and unsure was an understatement.
I was scared shitless (sorry g'pa if you reading this).
Me? Talk & Teach?
Ummm, I"ve been out of the field for a few years now so I wasn't really feeling eager or confident.
and These guys weren't exactly picking up my unwilling vibes,
if they weren't so persistent I'd have so bailed.
BUT
that was the year I told myself, MELODY, this year you will
step out of your comfort zone.
So I went home, taught & actually loved it and
WA-LAH!
here I was back at their same gathering that I tried running from the other year!
So of course my presentation this year was on Indigenous languages and the connections they hold to land.
Now I'd hope nobody here is wondering why that'd be an emergency right?!
Ok, so this next generation.
BOOM!
These guys have their communities so covered!
My god I wanted to bring them all home for show & tell for our youth here!
This gathering is all about leadership for youth, lifting youth up into those roles in our communities but at younger ages.
Preparing them.
Inspiring them.
Giving them a voice.
Sharing their voices, experiences & skills.
And these guys, have education, skills and experiences to share!
Wish I was as responsible & driven at their age!
So anyone who's paying attention to global warming- climate change is aware of that's a pretty huge, urgent crisis.
Lily, who organizes the gathering, her father from Russia has had life threatening
& life changing experiences over such topics & actions.
He spoke in his language about the leadership Indigenous people have taken on for the planet.
she, his daughter translated for us.
It was beautiful & I was envious listening to such translations.
WE got to hear so many stories, both sad & empowering on other nations & how they've handled
and or struggled with emergencies in their communities.
house fire stories were shared and scary and sadly preventable.
I received a free fancy smoke alarm from First Nations Emergency BC at one of the events I photographed.
having a wood stove and after my own loss years ago, I don't mess around with life & take all prevention very seriously.
So free & or affordable those alarms just seems like a no brainer necessity for all homes.
Hoping everyone is taking full advantage of free funding, prevention dollars and training opps cause they're there!
The Wildfire Community has a Fire Smart Grant available right now, with forest fires hitting closer & closer to our homes here on the coast,
I sure hope communities and not just talking prevention but creating action plans & inviting & involving members of their community.
Save The Children Canada also was spoken of highly & looks like they hiring right now, in case the helper in you needs employment with purpose
I've never been to such an intensely booked gathering before,
actually I have with Two Mann Studio's in Hawaii last year.
it was pretty much 12 hours days for the week.
each night cooking & meals were shared together. it felt like community & oh how I've missed such feelings.
WE were cooks the first night, so of course put the Ahousat's in charge of bread!
There were youth from all across turtle island, of course we naturally drawn to the ones closest to us on the map.
Heiltsuk.
When you in emergency situations every community needs someone who naturally takes charge.
A good bossy women to whipper snapper everyone into place.
She is all that, I even let her boss me around & I'm usually the bossy one.
take a picture with the youngest & oldest she said.
and by the way, I have a daughter just a little younger than your son.
because bringing back arranged marriages
is an emergency too right?!
Needless to say, I do believe we as First Nations all share the same slightly twisted sense of humour.
So being ocean people, watching everyone carve their paddle
& reflecting on all the losses we've had recently here on the coast
has made me rethink
ocean safety.
All the tsunami warnings we've had & that last one though!
Felt like straight up out of a movie scene, that was scary as heck!
Was I ready? NO!
I mean there's always in my purse:
some sage,
light snacks,
multipurpose tool,
water
and
a blanket in my truck
but that's it & that would most likely last me only a few hours so clearly I have some preparing myself to do.
Anytime we get on the water here, whether that be stand up paddling, kayaking, or fishing.
We definitely are not too cool to wear life jackets!
It'd be really nice to start seeing our local First Nation communities wearing them in their daily commutes.
Or maybe everyone already is? I haven't been home (Ahousat) in forever so woo hoo they on it already!
Regardless, it was so nice to explore the territories of the Oakagan Nation.
To share stories & space with such a powerful, inspiring group.
cause nothing beats that feeling when you connect with others
who are walking the same path.
who get it, beyond systems
who are leading in their communities.
preparing their homes
&
lifting their people.
because to me, it matters what kind of world will be left for him & maybe one day his.
in the mean time, if our youth are connected to programs like :
&
They'll be just fine.
Actually,
I think they'll do far better than we have!
is your home ready?!
Is your kit ready?
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Not sure how long I've been attending Hobiyee, but I remember I was craving a cultural fix maybe five -ish years ago? I was extremely grateful a friend had told me about this traditional New Years celebration that the Northern nations hosted in Vancouver. My first year I went I was so moved, wow. I remember having this big lump in my throat watching so many brown beings beaming through culture.
I mean, don't get me wrong, we have it here too & it's just as beautiFUL. I think I was just craving new, something in me was ready to explore other cultures, to hear songs I'd never heard before and to see dances I'd never seen.
To crave something you've never seen or heard before,
was almost like Hobiyee called me.
Ok so after my long ramble how I need new, of course I plan my whole schedule around Ahousat performance.
I love my home & my people and it doesn't matter how many times I've heard or seen the songs & dances from home,
I'll always be drawn to them.
Though this image of these two isn't focussed, I still love it.
It amazes to think about what they've survived,
what they lost,
&
what they've hung onto.
So grateful for them, even though they've lived
away from home most of their lives
they've somehow kept the
songs,
dances,
language
& our ways
alive while living in cities.
I couldn't ever imagine living away from home lands & what that must feel like
but I can't help but think about the Friendship Centers that
hold those home spaces,
filled with community,
healing and culture.
It was Ahousat's second year at Hobiyee and I was so happy to see the group grow.
Wow, that takes commitment and leadership!
Of course I"m always drawn to the circle, thankfully most Ahousat's still remember me enough to know that I am one of them.
Therefore to middle I went confidently!
No time for language lessons with these two, though I'd love to ask them about our own version of Hobiyee!
To be born into this.
Knowing this is exactly where you've always been and belong.
Not everyone knows this.
To the north!
Githayetsk , if you've not heard of them, they are one of the most powerful, inspiring Indigenous story tellers!
Miquel Dangeli, is a poweRHER house living & breathing, language full time!
I'm always drawn to the teachers, learners & those living our Indigenous languages.
Githayetsk
it doesn't matter how many times I've seen them, it never gets old.
Wal_aks, I've yet to hang out with him outside of instagram
BUT
he's on my must hang out with list.
I love his story telling as well, they way he explains Hobiyee,
I could listen to over and over.
He always remind me of an elder or old soul.
Those stories and traditions will fuel the unborn.
To watch this father & son always make me wonder...
Do they know exactly how blessed & rich they are?
What some son's would give to have this.
I know, they know though.
Then there's the Kwakwakawakw !
Their songs have an energy all their own.
I've had the honour of sharing sacred spaces with a few Kwakwakawakw lately.
Hearing parts of their stories.
Their survivals.
Their rebirths.
Have given me so much hope
for those still awaiting their
new lives that are really
just their old lives
calling them back
So maybe we all come to Hobiyee
to rebirth
and or
retell the same stories
That our ancestors have told since the very beginning.
Our lives will always
revolve around
the Moon
the stars
ceremony
&
harvests.
Always.
So we'll never end.
They'll always be new stories
Old Teachings
Same songs
Different dances.
Speaking of,
I tried to video record this song with my camera.
It was an epic fail
My camera was too heavy
My arms were too weak.
Plus I couldn't keep still long enough.
My body wanted to dance
&
My voice wanted to sing.
I've only replayed this
about 100 times.
So, Thank you Hobiyee for refuelling my spirit.
For reminding us to continue
Praying
Singing
Dancing
Learning
&
speaking
Our Languages.
]]>
HARVEST LIFE.
MY BROTHER HAD GONE OUT HOME USE FISHING THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WARM OCTOBER DAY & I WAS REALLY SAD THAT I MISSED IT. I WALKED AROUND MY HOME POUTING, REALLY BUMMED. IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD & I DID NOT WANT TO WAIT A WHOLE OTHER YEAR TO GET OUT WITH HIM AGAIN FOR THIS ANNUAL EVENT.
THEN HE MESSAGED ME ON INSTAGRAM AND TOLD ME HE'D BE GOING AGAIN THE FOLLOWING DAY AT 6 A.M.
I WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS, I COULDN'T SLEEP & WAS BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED AT 5 A.M. EAGER TO GO!
MY FREIND KENNY BROWN OFFERED TO PICK ME UP IN TOFINO,
THE OCEAN WAS GLASS & ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS,
THIS IS MY HOME.
THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.
HAVING THOUGHTS OF MOVING AWAY LATELY AND THIS WAS A PERFECT REMINDER OF WHY I'VE STAYED.
I AM NUU-CHAH-NULTH,
I AM AHOUSAT,
AHOUSAT IS ME & EVERY TIME I AM HOME OR WITH PEOPLE FROM HOME,
I AM REMINDED OF HOW LOVED I AM.
& HOW MUCH MORE FUN LIFE IS WHEN AM WITH THEM THERE.
I'VE BEEN GONE FROM HOME MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE NOW & SOMETIMES FORGET THESE SIMPLE IMPORTANT THINGS.
MY BROTHER & I CHECK IN EVERY WEEK, ALWAYS MAKES MY DAY.
EVERY LITTLE THING IS FUNNIER WITH AHOUSAT'S. LISTENING TO THESE GUYS HAD ME SMILING & SHAKING MY HEAD ALL DAY :)
OH THE STORIES THESE GUYS TOLD, INDIGENOUS COMEDIANS I TELL YA!
LAUGH & WORK. WORK & LAUGH SOME MORE.
THE MOMENTS OF SILENCE AND STILLNESS WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN ALL THE LAUGHTER, BUT WOW.
TOO BAD I GOT SO SEA SICK THE OTHER YEAR OUT FISHING OTHERWISE I WOULDA BEEN A FISHER WOMEN BY NOW!
BUT NO, I WAS SO HURLED OVER THAT I NEVER GOT ONE SINGLE FISH OR PHOTO!
NOT ALL SALMON WERE TAKEN HOME, A FEW WERE RELEASED. THEY HANDED ME ONE TO RELEASE AND I FELT LIKE A SALMON SAVER!
EVEN THOUGH HALF OF ME WANTED TO TAKE IT HOME AND CHOP IT'S HEAD OFF AND EAT IT'S UNBORN BABIES (EGGS) & BOIL IT'S BELLY
(GAWD MELODY).
BUT IT HAPPILY SWAM AWAY, PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED BUT ALIVE.
NOBODY GETS PAID, THEY ALL JUST GATHER AND VOLUNTEER AND HARVEST FOR THEIR FAMILIES AND COMMUNITY.
AGAIN HAVING BEEN AWAY FROM HOME FOR SO LONG, REALIZING AND KNOWING THAT NOT EVERY COMMUNITY HAS THIS ANYMORE.
SADLY IT WASN'T UNTIL I LEFT HOME THAT I APPRECIATED THESE THINGS I'D TAKEN SO VERY FOR GRANTED.
LANGUAGE LOVER HERE RECENTLY ASKED HOW ONE OR WE WOULD SAY,
WE ARE OCEAN PEOPLE.
THOUGH THERE IS NO DIRECT TRANSLATION (EVER),
Tup̓ałʔatḥ
WAS THE CLOSEST I FELT I UNDERSTOOD.
THAT LIGHT & THIS LIFE THOUGH.
♡
THANK YOU BRO CROW, KENNY DUBE BROWN, MIKE, FRIES, ROB AND ROD FOR ALLOWING ME TO SHARE YA.
WISH I WERE HOME CAPTURING ALL THE BLOOD, GUTS, STICKS & SMOKE AS THESE FISH MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE SMOKE HOUSE.
BUT THE CITY CALLS FOR WORK & I MUST ANSWER.
Just returned from one extremely magical week off grid with a small group of us who are learning our language. No bathrooms, no wifi, no telephones, no water running from taps & no docks to unload onto. Something extremely magical about returning to the land this way, with zero interruptions. It made living the language that much louder in all that silence. Presence, such a gift.
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Grandpa picked us up in his finest limo, oh how I loved his home. HOOKSUM, Where his only neighbours he has are the salmon that swim up the river, the bears that visit that river & the killer whales that randomly stop in to also snack on the salmon. Wow, I felt my heart beating being there. Very much alive, present, calm, collected & peaceful. There were no million lists running through my head, I felt no need to rush anywhere and was simply being. After all we all called human beings, not human 'doings'. My grandfather runs a camp in the summer for youth, called Hooksum Outdoor School. Off grid far away from it all, a place where one goes & rediscovers ones self. Exactly what I needed.
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A week with two soft, kind, funny, Nuuchahnulth speakers, on the land, with a few others who've made it their priority to keep this language alive. OH MY GOD, just leave me here forever. Nothing more magical than this for me, fires crackling, stories shared in Nuuchanulth & traditional teachings. BLISS, pure bliss.
It's an amazing feeling to only say yes to things that fuel you spiritually. To sit in circle with no one staring at a phone or a screen, where everyone is fully present. That's a rare in today's world and such a simple gift. Time & presence, when together, ooooooo AND dare to add silence, that's what I call connection!
When it’s back to school & you take your kids out for a week to their ancestral lands, to surround them with their traditional teachings & our living languages, that’s what we call teaching & learning. . At first we thought about not going because of school, but we’re 💯 certain that the experiences & teachings they were exposed to here will take them further & deeper than those few missed classes. So grateful to have friends raising their families with the same values. Slight rebels, just keeping alive a language we should have been born speaking.
💥✊🏽💥
Wiksii witsah. Gonna storm. It rained pretty much the entire week there, but when you inside a cozy traditional long house, sitting by the fire, surrounded by family, listening to elders share legends in our language, that’s no storm in our hearts. . We paddled in the rain, my friend singing her kakawin song in the language, our elder paddling along side us & our friends just behind us kayaking. I had just asked what our word for magical was when this huge splash crashed right behind us. I see this what I thought was a seal thrown up into the sky & immediately thought, “National Geographic, not today! My cards are full, my batteries have died, I don’t have my right camera or lens & I’m too scared to document THIS!”. . It was a breaching momma orca & two brand new babies dancing in thin air! Our elder on one side of us in canoe, our friends in kayaks on other side & this kakawin family in the middle of us, modelling, showing off their salmon dinner that we were dreaming of.
It was THE most surreal thing I’ve ever witnessed! The power of nature, that spiritual & very sacred connection took my breathe away. So of course I didn’t want to come back to civilization, cyber, people, phones & english! Storms, rain, & clouds, the kids were on the beach the entire time. Laughing, making up their own games. Using their imaginations & semi interested in capturing light though lenses (photography).
In between the fires, storms, stories and songs were silent moments, staring off into dancing skies.
If I had a favourite phrase from the week, this was it. Wiki ʔukʷačił haptaa ~ Don't hide from yourself. So many wearing masks, covering up with noise, hiding from their pain, fear of being alone & fear of feeling. Being in these sacred places, ancestral lands, felt natural to return to nature. To home. To self.
ʔušy̓aksiiƛeic to my friend, who is really my auntie but I call her tluutsma (women) for inviting us to your home lands & sharing such precious gifts with us. For being such an inspiration, for speaking, teaching, learning, sharing & living our language. I envision being an elder one day sharing crazy stories in the language with her, just as our grandmothers did with each other. xo
If you still reading and STILL interested, you deserve some kind of special prize but I'm a minimalist wanna be so here are just some samples of my amateur video making skills. I know, I need one of those fancy balancing things that DJI makes & a course in documentary filming :) Part of me wants to apologize for this long post BUT I won't. It's just me in love with everything that makes us who we are as brown beautiful beings. Spiritual Sacred. Srong
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SO THANK YOU TSAWOUT FOR HOSTING US ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL LAND,
WOW, I THINK I KIND OF FELL IN LOVE YOUR HOME, YOUR PEOPLE AND YOUR LANGUAGE.
WE WERE WELCOMED BY THESE KIDS WHO STOPPED ME DEAD IN MY TRACKS. THEY'VE BEEN IN IMMERSION SCHOOL SINCE THEY WERE IN PRESCHOOL, FULL ON LEARNING THEIR OWN LANGUAGE! AS A LANGUAGE LOVER - LEARNER, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH THING, TO SEE First Nation KIDS SPEAKING THEIR OWN LANGUAGE BLEW ME BACK TO PLACES I'VE ONLY DREAMT OF!
IT GAVE ME SUCH HOPE TO KEEP DREAMING!!
OK BACK TO FOOD POST HERE. ..
OF COURSE, ALWAYS DRAWN TO ELDERS. IT WAS SUCH A PLEASURE TO SIT AND SPEND TIME WTH THIS TEACHER & HEAR HIS STORIES OF RESILIENCE.
TO FEEL HIS LANGUAGE IN MY HEART AS HE SHARED AROUND THE FIRE.
I WILL BE SEMI STAKING HIM MY NEXT TRIPS DOWN THAT'S FOR SURE!
THE OCEAN, YOUR FRONT YARD, YOUR GARDEN, YOUR GROCERY STORE.
I'D BEEN INTO TSAWOUT COMMUNITY BEFORE TO PHOTOGRAPH OTHER EVENTS BUT I'D NEVER BEEN HERE TO THEIR FRONT YARD. WOW.
I LOVE HOW AS INDIGENOUS PEOPLE'S WE'RE ALL CONNECTED, HIS LATE BROTHER WAS MY BEST FREIND'S HUSBAND, IT WAS KIND OF LIKE SEEING MATT AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR SHARING HIM AND YOUR HOME.
TOOTSUP, NOTHING LIKE SEEING OUR ELDERS SLURPING THESE TREATS!
AND WHO COULD RESIST SOME FIR TIP LIP BALM? MY FRIEND FIONA HAS BEEN MAKING MEDICINE FOR SOME TIME AND I'VE BEEN DYING TO WITNESS AND CAPTURE THIS MAGIC MAKING!
THE TREES HAVE OFFICIALLY KISSED OUR LIPS!
THIS NEXT GENERATION THOUGH, ONE DAY THEY WILL BE LEADING THEIR FRIENDS BACK TO THIS.
WAS SO LOVELY TO FINALLY MEET 'WILD ABOUT PLANTS' (INSTAGRAM) & HER SON.
NOT TOO MANY KIDS KNOW THEIR PLANTS TODAY, OR ARE EVEN CONNECTED OUT THE DOOR PLAYING OUT ANYMORE.
SO TO THE FEW WHO ARE BEING DRAGGED OUT BY THEIR PARENTS AND TAUGHT, YOU ROCK STARS IN MY BOOKS!
RETHINK YOUR DRINK.
AS A CHILD MY MOTHER NEVER ALLOWED US POP OR SUGARY STUFF, SO THANKFULLY I'VE NEVER HAD THAT ADDICTION NOR WILL MY CHILD.
NORMALLY OUR HERRING ARE IN SMOKE HOUSES SO THIS WAS NEW AND VERY DIFFERENT :)
I DONT' REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I MET HER, BUT SHE'S A MOVER AND A SHAKER & I LOVE HER AND HER MOVEMENT AND HOW SHE SHAKES!
MY FREIND FIONA WORKS FOR VIHA AND HAS BEEN RAISING NUTRITION AWARENESS FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS IN OUR COMMUNITIES, HELPING US RECLAIM OUR FOODS, OUR MEDICINES & OUR WAYS REALLY.
SHE IS A HUGE PART OF WHY WE GATHERING ANNUALLY AROUND FOODS & MEDICINES & I FOR THIS I LOVE HER SO!
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE SHOW MOOSEMEAT & MARMALADE ON APTN, WELL PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD CABLE IN 7 YEARS BUT THIS IS ART (LEFT) AND THAT IS HIS SHOW. ASSUMING IF MY FRIENDS ARE WATCHING IT THAT IT MUST BE PRETTY HASHILTHSA (INTERESTING) :)
SO ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FOODIE'S TOO & THEY'VE BEEN BONE BROTH'ING FOR A FEW YEARS NOW. I'M A VEGAN WANNA BE AND RED MEAT IS PRETTY RARE IN THIS HOUSE, MAYBE ONCE A YEAR WE MIGHT BISON SO I'M NOT SURE HOW I'D BONE BROTH BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD AND I'D IMAGINE IT'S RIGHT UP WITH THE SUPER FOODS! I THINK I'M TRY FISH BONE BROTH INSTEAD OF SCRAPING THE BONES TO THE POOCHES!
ELDERS, TRADITIONAL FOODS, INDIGENOUS LANGUAGES = PURE BLISS!
THIS SIGN, THEIR LANGUAGE, THEIR FOODS, SO BEAUTIFULLY DISPLAYED ON THEIR TERRITORY IN THEIR 13 MOON CALENDAR.
WOW, SO MUCH ADMIRATION AND RESPECT FOR THE TEACHINGS, THE ELDERS, THE LAND & THE LANGUAGE.
ʔušy̓aksiiƛeic TSAWOUT FOR SHARING YOUR FOOD, YOUR MEDICINE, YOUR TEACHINGS & YOUR LANGUAGE.
WE LEFT WITH FULL BELLY'S, OUR SPIRITS LIFTED & OUR HEARTS CENTRED.
XO
AS MUCH AS I LOVE WINTER & THE COZINESS IT BRINGS, I LOVE THE RETURN OF THE LIGHT & WARMTH THAT GETS EVERYONE BACK OUT. WYA IS OUR GO TO HIDDEN GEM, WE'RE OFTEN THERE ALONE BUT NOW HAPPILY SHARING IT WITH MY NIECE WHO JUST MOVED BACK HOME FROM THE CITY WITH HER TRIBE.
THERE IS NOTHING LIKE SEEING KIDS BE KIDS & PLAYING WITH ORIGINAL PLAYSTATIONS! SO MANY KIDS (& ADULTS) CONNECTED TO SCREENS THESE DAYS, SO WHEN I SEE THIS, I KIND OF LOVE IT!!
BECAUSE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE NEVER TV SHOWS OR IN NINTENDO'S, THEY ARE HERE IN THESE MOMENTS.
MANY OF OUR FIRST NATION ELDERS HAVE SHARED ABOUT HOW SPECIAL THESE PLACES ARE IN OUR TRADITIONAL TERRITORIES, WHERE THEY TOO ONCE PLAYED AS CHILDREN,
SO OF COURSE, OUR CHILDREN TOO SHOULD KNOW THESE PLAYGROUNDS & GET TO SHARE THOSE MEMORIES.
REGARDLESS OF HOW OLD OUR CHILDREN ARE, NEVER TOO OLD TO PLAY OUT, TO SLEEP ON THE BEACH & SWIM IN THE OCEAN.
SO GRATEFUL I HAVE A NIECE WHO SHARES THESE SAME VALUES. ALWAYS WANTING OUR KIDS TO HAVE EVERYTHING WE HAD.
SHE'S MAKES HOME FEEL LIKE HOME AGAIN. XO
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OH BY THE WAY AUNTIE, CAN YOU TAKE OUR PICTURES AND CHIP IN $ FOR THE FLIGHT.
YOU KNOW NEPHEW, NORMALLY PEOPLE PAY AUNTIE TO TAKE THEIR PICTURES, YOU DO KNOW THIS RIGHT?
WHO AM I KIDDING, I LOVE ANY CHANCE I CAN GET UP AND OUT WITH ATLEO AIR.
THE VIEWS ALWAYS TAKE ME TO PLACES INSIDE MYSELF THAT I SOMETIMES FORGET ARE THERE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I ALWAYS FOUND IT STRANGE HOW FASCINATED VISITORS WERE WHEN THEY CAME.
IT WASN'T UNTIL I LEFT HOME AND BEGAN TRAVELLING THAT I UNDERSTOOD THAT FASCINATION.
SO I'M GRATEFUL THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE FAMILY RUNNING AROUND CHASING LIGHT.
BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY OF THESE.
OR THESE LIGHT CHASERS :)
